OK... So I thought my "This I believe paper was a decent draft" but when my group and I started peer editing I realized that mine sucked! I know my thesis was clear but I think I need to get some more info to back it up. I liked a couple main things about my paper one being it was about football the other I used Payton Manning as an example. I thought this was someone who everyone knew, so they could relate even if they didn't know much about football. I think I'm doing some things well, like I tryed to work on my transitions to different paragraphs. I'm eally conserned about my topic for the paper. Like is this something good to use for this type of paper. Others used strong personal experiences. I wondered if I should switch directions and use something like "I believe alcoholisum can tear a famil apart," because I have a lot of experience with that only it would be to long.
I want to hit the post like Dave says but, I want a 4pt topic not a 1pt if this ones bad. I really am going to add a lot of the big "D," description in my paper because I feel that description was a big thing I was lacking. I want to add a lot more with D.R.A.P.E.S. too because with this topic I think I could throw in some stats and examples, maybe even a personal experience from when I played football.
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Don't use the word sucked. The first thing you need to do is take a deep breath and relax. Your paper has some great parts to it that you can still use. As your paper went on it felt more like your paper was about admiration for someone and how people we look up to can shape us. Your belief should be something universal that appeals to a wide audience. If someone hasn't heard of payton manning or doesn't like football your essay isn't that interesting to them. But an essay that's focused on something like role models is more universal. To me your paper comes to life in the last 3 paragraphs. That is where I am seeing some passion for your subject.
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